Feeling harmonious, grateful and blue...

The response to my last blog was bewildering. So much so, it's difficult to put into words exactly how I feel (as if that'll stop me!). For a start, I heard from people I never in my wildest dreams ever expected to pop up. People I hadn't necessarily forgotten but simply never considered as someone willing to help. There is little more humbling for a man who has a potent disliking for the human race (and I do I really, really do) to discover there are so many folks out there with decent hearts encased in their rib cages. Whether it was because our story touched a nerve, people recongised something of us in themselves, they love Steph or - god forbid - they have a fondness for yours truly, I don't really know or wish to guess. There are occasions when trying to be logical about things just doesn't feel appropriate and this is one of those times. So I don't know if they will ever read this (even with all of my advertising of this blasted blog) but I want to take a moment to personally thank a few people. In no particular order, they are:

Mark West - cheers for your good words and constant advertising of my blog on your own FB profile

Val Walmsley - thank you for your "if I were younger" comment and your continuous plugging of our plight

Georgi Billington - when you told me you wanted to do this for us I was so rocked I thought I had to be standing on an earthquake! Both Steph and I will always be grateful for someone so young even considering such a massive decision. And despite it not being possible yet, we will both be there for you should the situation change - even if it is on our behalf or not (as I know you have considered making a donation in the past)

Pat Baniowska - woman, you're a star. I don't understand how a 37 year-old-mother is less acceptable than a 20 year-old mother of none but rules are rules. Thank you for spreading our begging letter to your circle and your heartbeat comment - lovely! (and you'll always be Fone to me!)

Kerry Morris-Thuriot - sorry for scaring you into thinking I wanted my ex-girlfriend to be the donor. Far from it. It was more a case of asking you to spread the news. But thank you for being so repulsed ;-)

Liz McQuinn - I've never been called an inspiration before. Not sure it sits well on my shoulders but thank you for it.

Alun Aindow - Another man full of support for everything Steph and I are going through. Cheers, Bud.

But beyond these folks there is one special person I need to thank. One person who not only went the extra mile, but went the extra 500 miles - driving from Paderborn, Germany to our home in North Wales: Leanne Hamilton; sister-in-law; my brother's wife and mother of my two nieces and nephew.

Back at the start of August, she drove across the countries to pay a visit to Liverpool Women's Hospital where she partook in various tests and sat through numerous discussions, all with the intention of letting the hospital take stock of some of her eggs. It had been discussed for a while and after our plea, Leanne took it upon herself to get the ball rolling. She called the hospital, made a date and packed herself and the kids in the car. Three days later and she was back in Paderborn, shopping completed and blood removed.

While nothing in life is certain, it seems we might be inching our way towards success. Next week Leanne is back in the hospital, collecting results, exchanging information and possibly arranging a time for the collection. I don't know if the hospital's sudden willingness to call on Leanne's services is because of her own eagerness or because of the publicity this situation is generating in the press at the moment we can't be sure, but why question it? Take the good with the bad and move on.

(we saw the report on The One Show on Monday and it has to be said the woman who told reporters she wanted her own children to have a bond with the donor child carrying some of her DNA has got what we believe to be totally the wrong attitude. There should be a complete break in relations. Has to be. Otherwise, what is to stop that woman from trying to enforce her own parenting on the couple using her egg? Surely this woman is volunteering to be a donor to make herself feel good rather than helping the childless couple? Doing something as massive as donating eggs has to be a completely selfless act. If it isn't, if the donor wants to be a 'third parent' to the child or insists on what should happen during its upbringing, there is always the threat of 'if it weren't for me you wouldn't have any children...')

So despite Steph and I telling her - and everyone else - how much her sacrifice means to us, it will be impossible for Leanne to truly understand because it's impossible for us to truly convey. This isn't like saything 'thank you for that cup of sugar you lent me' or 'ta for that DVD of the two women doing that thing with their mug' and yet the same phrase is used in all three situations. So they might only be two words which seem desperately inefficient but they hold so much and mean even more.

Normal hateful service will soon resume

Egg-citing Times Ahead – Hopefully...

WARNING: This blog will be different from my normal ramblings and is therefore suggested for mature readers only (by that I mean those who don't titter at the thought of the male and female reproductive system).

 

This is less of a blog and more of a plea. An asking of a favour. It's not an easy thing to ask and I do so with extreme trepidation but time and events move at an ever swifter pace and we - Steph and I – are tired of waiting for the former to run out and the latter to take over. Official channels are doing their best by us and we're extremely grateful for how gracious we've been treated but their wheels move painfully slowly and if we don't take the initiative while we can, it might be too late. So this is aimed directly at all of you ladies aged between 18 and 35, whether that be you or someone you know (or someone your someone might know etc).

 

What am I talking about? The problems with getting pregnant.

 

It's plain and it's simple. We're desperate to have a baby. We want to start our own family but we can't. After years of trying, copious amounts of tests on both of our bodies and failed IVF treatment, we have been told there is only one option left for us to have our own child: egg donation. You see, it turns out my soldiers are plentiful but lazy and, tragically, Steph has been told she isn't able to conceive. She can carry full term but her body just will not let her mature the eggs required.

 

Admittedly we didn't find this out until after the failed IVF treatment that almost killed Steph. Certain doctors tried to blame the failure on her lifestyle but it wasn't until further tests were carried out that it was discovered the daily hormone injections I was told to give her were actually poisoning her liver. The fact she has recovered from a 90% failed liver to a 90+% healed and she is strong enough to go through with this after a doctor told me I should start organizing her funeral is something I am completely in awe of – and hence I'm immensely proud of her. This was the point when we were told the IVF was never going to work because certain hormones that cannot be given artificially were too low and always had been. This has been the only time we felt we had been failed by those in charge but there's no point in using it as a stick to beat them with. We have to move on.

 

Right then. To avoid any confusion, I am not asking for all ladies to volunteer their eggs for us. That would be wrong for all parties on so many levels – especially emotionally and psychologically. But what I am asking is this: that you consider donating eggs to the Liverpool Women's Hospital (or any other fertility hospital I suppose), saying you're doing it to help us. This doesn't mean we would be given your eggs specifically. In basic terms, they would be put in a pot and we would be given an anonymous egg.

 

I feel I'm not explaining myself too well, so bare with me. As I said, this isn't an easy thing for us to do. And over editing might steal some of the emotion I need to get across.

 

The way the system has been explained to us is like this: We have been placed on an egg donation list. This was done 18 months ago. We were told we would move further up the list at a quicker rate if we were able to convince/ask/beg people to donate their eggs to the hospital on our behalf. It's a point system, you see, and the more points you have, the shorter the waiting time, which at the moment, in the UK, is up to 6 years! We were 53^rd six months ago, and we're still 53^rd today because there have been no donations of any kind in that time. Obviously the whole waiting scenario would be eradicated if the donor wished to give us the eggs directly but the emotional attachments and headfucks this could cause mean that we feel it's better for all concerned that this is a no-no. Apparently the waiting list's length isn't because of the numbers on it but because of the lack of UK-donated eggs. It turns out that if we were in mainland Europe we would get an egg sorted straight away because they pay to all those willing to donate, which isn't the case in the UK. We can go abroad for the procedure (we've been told by the hospital that they deal with Spain and Cypress and would act as the go-between on our behalf) and it would cost approximately £8000 whereas in the UK it's going to cost half that much – which would mean we can afford more goes should the first attempt fail. But we would rather not go abroad. It has taken a long time for us to build up trust levels with the hospital and these would not be there anywhere else.

 

So what we're asking is this: if you, or someone you know, or the friend of a friend of a friend, feel like you/they can help us with this, please contact us via reply or, if preferred, contact the hospital directly on our behalf. If you wish to do this, you need to speak to either Gill Hathaway or Maureen Richards at the Liverpool Women's Hospital on 0151 702 4212 and mention our name.

 

As I've said, this is a really difficult thing we are asking of people. We do not expect anything. If no one replies, then no one replies. We will persevere as we always have. My brother's wife and a friend of Steph's have both kindly agreed to contact the hospital to discuss things and for this we are and forever will be grateful. We appreciate how big a deal it is. So there will be no animosity from us if people say no or don't reply. Just understanding because it's difficult to know how we would feel if being asked ourselves.

 

Cheers for your time. If you wish to discuss things in more detail, then contact me by reply and we can go talk on a one-to-one basis. If not, then enjoy your day.

 

Shaun and Steph